| |
|
A Little Humor from ACRE
Forget Rednecks ......here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England .
- If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England
- If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England .
- If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England
- If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England
- If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England .
- If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England .
- If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in New England
- If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .
- If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England
- If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England
- If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England
- If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .
- If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England .
- If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England .
- If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England .
- If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in New England .
- If you actually understand these jokes, you live in ......... NEW ENGLAND!
Mud Season In Vermont:
)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Vermont.
(More "You might be from Vermont jokes ...")
NEWS FLASH! -Middlebury, VT ----- VT's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local Middlebury college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in East Middlebury.
Addison County search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
(More "News")
An Old Farmer's Advice:
• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
•
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
• Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
• Work like you are going to live forever!
• Live like you are going to die tomorrow.
Bill Gates Speech ....
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening toyou talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested! in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. |
|
  
 
 
 
|
